A Mindful Reminder: Love & Relationships

“Break-ups are like a broken mirror. It is better to leave it broken than hurt yourself trying to fix it.”

We have all been there – those moments of doubt, fear, anxiety and sadness, attributed to a relationship which we know deep down is just not working, and yet we cannot let go. There are many reasons why we cling to a relationship, especially one of many years. I have listed below some of those reasons and why nothing is as simple as it might seem. These refer to those relationships which are not abusive:

Emotional attachment

By remaining emotionally attached to the other person, it makes it very difficult for you to heal and move on. Initially, and especially if you still have strong feelings for the other person, this can be very hard. Ask yourself the following questions and be honest:

Will the children be happier?
What do I miss most about this relationship?
Do I fear being on my own?
Will I cease to have a social life?
Am I concerned about what other people will think?
Do I like who I am when I am with this person?

It might help to use a 0 – 10 scale on a daily basis, and rate your emotional attachment accordingly. Keep going until the scale sits at 0 – then you can begin to heal and move on.

Fear

Try to take out the fear factor and then look at how this might influence your decision.

Am I afraid of being alone?
Have I invested too much in this relationship to simply walk away?

Love

There is a difference between loving someone and being in love with that person. The fact that you have to ask this question shows that you are having doubts.

Do you look forward to this person coming home in the evening, or do you look forward to this person leaving in the morning?
Do I still love this person?

Needs

If you feel you are always compromising or going out of your way to facilitate your partner, who does not reciprocate, then question if your needs are being met or if this is a one-sided relationship.

To many, the ending of a relationship signifies some kind of failure. However, relationships are constantly changing and growing, and within these changes we may find we have simply grown apart. If, after discussion, counselling, or relationship therapy you still find that nothing has changed, then the decision to end the relationship needs to be made. To end a relationship in the proper manner shows respect for what you once meant to each other and allows you both to walk away with dignity and integrity.

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“Love is putting a piece of soul into someone else’s care,

and being responsible for an equal share of theirs.” – P S Berg

The phrase “soul mate” originated in Greek mythology and came about because Zeus, fearing human interference regarding the authority of the Gods, decided to split the human soul into two parts, in the belief that we would be better occupied looking for our other half, and many people have spent a lifetime doing just this.

Fact or fiction, we all have our own perception of what a soul mate should be, however for some, the romantic fantasy created in the mind makes it impossible for any mere mortal to live up to the extremely high expectations they may have. As a result, all too often that special person is turned away without the realisation that they are made special because of their faults, warts and all.

We all have our own personal preference and an image in our mind of what that special someone should be and look like. We do tend to be attracted to those people who mirror ourselves, and it is believed that we were this person in another life, however, what our soul needs is not necessarily what our head wants, and the power of attraction is very strong. If we could look a little further than the front cover, try considering the following:

Does this person inspire you to improve and grow?
Do you find comfort in their presence and an aching in their absence?
Do they treat you with the respect you deserve?
Do they value your opinions?
Do they love you unconditionally?
Do they foster in you a sense of worth?
Do they protect you and hold your hand through the good and bad times?
Do they make you laugh?

While your soul mate may not look like the Greek God or Goddess of your dreams, if they fulfil all of the above and continue to do so as you walk life’s path together, surely you have found your soul mate. Together you may face all those kerb balls that life will throw your way and still come out the other side stronger and wiser, united in love, respect, honesty and a belief in each other that comes from deep inside your soul.

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“Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubt.” – Abraham Lincoln

How many times have we said the wrong thing only to later regret it. For some, this is a rare occurrence, however for others it regularly happens and the old ‘foot in mouth disease’ can have far-reaching consequences. When we communicate fully, both verbally and non-verbally, being aware of how we communicate can open our eyes to a world where our opinions are valued and not dreaded. I have set out a few points which I see as ‘food for thought’.

If you speak in anger, you are not thinking with the logical side of your brain. Therefore, what you say will be meaningless and very often hurtful. Try counting to ten and taking a step back before you speak in anger.

Observing yourself in a given situation is always a good idea. If you are constantly saying the wrong thing, it is in response to perhaps being ‘put on the spot’. If this is the case try to be aware of these types of situations and change your approach to one of listening and remaining calm before responding.

Take heed and pay attention to what is being said. Trip ups of the tongue occur when what is being said is not fully comprehended. Let your mind process the information around you, and then speak from a place of understanding.

Observe other people when they communicate. People communicate in many different ways and being able to read body language will give you a pretty good indication of how someone is going to react to what you say.

Very often it is not what you say but how you say it that does the damage. Try to imagine your spoken words as having a goal of their own, and that is to convey your message in a positive way. People have many facets, and once the spoken word has taken flight and crashed, it is difficult to repair the damage.

Do not speak unnecessarily, or because you feel obliged to. If you are not familiar with the dialog, then listen, after all meaningful conversation is much more than just noise.

Always be aware of how you think others might react to what you are about to say. If you are going to contribute to a conversation, then try to create an atmosphere which elicits people’s understanding of this.

The tone of a person’s voice speaks volumes. If the right tone does not match the body language or compliments your content, then the right message will not be conveyed.

Even if your words were not intended to hurt, try to remember that a person’s perception is their reality. And in these circumstances it is always better to apologise.

The art of communicating can, for some, be difficult to perfect, however with patience, thoughtfulness and insight it can become a vital part of your life, making what you say valued, respected and sought after.

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