We have all been there – those moments of doubt, fear, anxiety and sadness, attributed to a relationship which we know deep down is just not working, and yet we cannot let go. There are many reasons why we cling to a relationship, especially one of many years. I have listed below some of those reasons and why nothing is as simple as it might seem. These refer to those relationships which are not abusive:

Emotional attachment 

By remaining emotionally attached to the other person, it makes it very difficult for you to heal and move on. Initially, and especially if you still have strong feelings for the other person, this can be very hard. Ask yourself the following questions and be honest:

Will the children be happier?
What do I miss most about this relationship?
Do I fear being on my own?
Will I cease to have a social life?
Am I concerned about what other people will think?
Do I like who I am when I am with this person?

It might help to use a 0 – 10 scale on a daily basis, and rate your emotional attachment accordingly. Keep going until the scale sits at 0 – then you can begin to heal and move on.  

Fear

Try to take out the fear factor and then look at how this might influence your decision.

Am I afraid of being alone?
Have I invested too much in this relationship to simply walk away?

Love

There is a difference between loving someone and being in love with that person. The fact that you have to ask this question shows that you are having doubts.

Do you look forward to this person coming home in the evening, or do you look forward to this person leaving in the morning?
Do I still love this person? 

Needs

If you feel you are always compromising or going out of your way to facilitate your partner, who does not reciprocate, then question if your needs are being met or if this is a one-sided relationship.

To many, the ending of a relationship signifies some kind of failure. However, relationships are constantly changing and growing, and within these changes we may find we have simply grown apart. If, after discussion, counselling, or relationship therapy you still find that nothing has changed, then the decision to end the relationship needs to be made. To end a relationship in the proper manner shows respect for what you once meant to each other and allows you both to walk away with dignity and integrity.                               

“To avoid criticism say nothing, do nothing, be nothing.” - Aristotle

Criticism can be constructive, which is seen as good criticism, or it can be destructive, depending on how and why it is given and perceived.

Constructive criticism, given in an empathetic manner, can open your eyes and mind to ways you might improve, which can only be beneficial. Next time you have to give or be on the receiving end of constructive criticism, particularly in the workplace, bear in mind the following:

Environment

With regard to the workplace, finding a private place to assess an employee’s job performance is extremely important. By creating a safe environment for the employee, it will make it easier for both parties to be open and honest. This shows mutual respect which in turn will make for a happier and more productive workforce. Throughout the assessment, if critical points are raised, do so in a manner which does not give rise to tension. Sharing your own experiences regarding assessments may ease a potentially tense situation and will build rapport and respect.

Goals

Constructive criticism regarding how an employee is performing a set task may be made easier by explaining how your suggestions will improve the outcome, which in turn will improve productivity and allow objectives to be reached. Explanations made in this manner do not feel like criticism and will ensure the employee is more open to such suggestions in the future.

Self-examination

It is all too easy to go on the attack if you are not happy with an employee’s performance. Verbally attacking will never have a positive outcome and will only cause resentment, resulting in unsolved issues. It is always advisable to ask questions which will enable the employee to come to their own conclusions regarding their weaknesses. This self-examination will then allow you to make suggestions based on the employee’s own assessment which will create a win/win situation. Safety issues however, should always be dealt with firmly and fairly, with many work places having their own health and safety staff.

Negative criticism is usually given out by those people who may have been constantly criticised as children. As we are products of our environment, this behaviour tends to continue into adult life with detrimental consequences. When criticism becomes a pointless summing up of a person’s failings, the after effects for that person can be physically and mentally painful. Even if someone is aware of why the other person is criticising them, it is how the person processes this criticism that makes the difference. You cannot control what someone says, however, you can control how you perceive and respond to negative input.

If you always take criticism as a personal attack, you will never break the cycle of believing them, and not having belief in yourself. Their attack usually has nothing to do with you, and is more about them and their lack of self-esteem. Try to be aware of your own reactions in given situations with certain people, and you will form the ability to recognise them for what they are, and be able to deal with them in a positive manner.

Stay calm and positive, always try to keep your emotions in check. Look for positives among the negatives. Sometimes we are so enflamed at being criticised, we tend to take it the wrong way, missing an opportunity to improve. If the criticism is made in spite with the sole intention of hurting, try to ignore it. Be the better person, simply because you are.

Negative criticism, if dealt with in the right manner, enables those on the receiving end to grow, mature and walk through life with their head held high, secure in the belief that with the right mind-set they can overcome any form of criticism that comes their way, be it negative or positive, which will create many opportunities to lead by example.      

You left me empty, frightened and alone

I had no place to run to, no safety I could call home

The joy that was a part of me lies crying on the floor

I step inside my sadness, my little black door

I felt my life was on a stage with blackness all around

I tried to fly on broken wings yet I could not leave the ground

I screamed a scream that no-one heard

Please open this prison and free this bird

Tears all dried up there is nothing left

A heart turned to stone empty and bereft

I run through a grassy field trying to break free

Where can I find you, where is me

Yet here I am I did survive

I escaped the torture the insidious lies

Little by little I will become whole

I will be the Master of my fragmented soul

“We gain strength and courage and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face – we must do that which we think we cannot.” – Eleanor Roosevelt

In order to overcome the many failures I have had to deal with, I decided to view them as learning curves, with the use of the mantra “there is no failure, only feedback”, and I am now convinced that with each failure comes wisdom and knowledge, coupled with the belief that what you learn from failure is more beneficial than a success because it teaches you something new, which another win could never teach you.

For many, however, fear of failure is a very real fear, on a par with fear of criticism or fear of rejection. This results in them never being able to achieve their true potential because they are afraid to try, in case they fail.  In order to overcome this particular fear let’s examine it, which will make it easier to navigate the destructive consequences it brings with it. This journey will not be easy, however, it will enable you with perseverance to open that closed door in your mind, taking you a step closer to freedom.

Ascertain when your fear of failure was formed

Perhaps you had overly protective parents who never let you try anything new. In your mind they did this because they wanted what was best for you, however, if you now look at the event as an outsider, you will see that it had nothing to do with you, and everything to do with them. This created a negative belief, which can have a big influence on how you live your life.

Break complex matters down

Try doing something complex that you are passionate about, and would not normally try because it is just too difficult and you think you would fail. By breaking down this complex problem into manageable pieces you will take the first steps towards succeeding. If one of these pieces fails then it is easier to see why, learn from the experience and move on to the next piece. Moving forward in this way you will see failing as a positive experience, not a negative one.

Accept failure as a way to grow

Failure is always inevitable regardless of whom you are, and if you sit on the fence looking for the easy option you may find there just isn’t one. Embrace your fear, jump off that fence and know that with each failure comes knowledge, strength and ultimately success.

Mind set

Let “fear of failure” remain what it is; a thought in your head, and when it bubbles to the surface, try to remember that it has no place in reality and use it as a stepping stone on the pathway of your life, always changing and never a permanent fixture. Free your mind by meditating. By doing so, you will remove those fear founded thoughts which are holding  you back, alleviating negative feelings associated with those thoughts, resulting in the belief that those fears can be overcome.

Perspective

Change your perspective and learn to grow. Take every failure as a blessing and even though this can be difficult, it will teach you to constantly improve and ultimately look at the negative periods as times of learning.

We are all afraid of something, however, it is not fear itself that will hold you back, but the decision you make because of that fear. Imagine what your life would be like if all your fears controlled it – take charge, and when you look back on your life do not let “fear of failure” be something you have always regretted – the choice is yours.

“The intuitive mind is a sacred gift, and the rational mind its faithful servant. 

We have created a society that honours the servant and has forgotten the gift.” – Albert Einstein

My father was diagnosed with dementia in his early seventies, and sadly passed away in 2012 with dementia related illnesses. The hardest part of this illness is losing the ability to remember and communicate. There are many articles written on how to communicate with someone who has dementia, however, I have often found myself wondering if those we know and love with dementia could communicate, what would they say.

In remembering my father, and for all those people who cope with this cruel disease in all its forms on a daily basis, I have penned this poem which I hope will bring comfort and understanding.

Hidden Meanings

I cannot remember yesterday, it’s a vast space of emptiness where words used to exist.

Clutching at fragments of sentences lying buried under a jumble of meanings which has now become my mind, I’m lost.

Was that a look of pity I saw on your face for just a fraction of a second, followed by a sigh so soft it almost escaped my notice, but not quite.

How the sorrows of other times come running in to haunt me, how vivid those memories which I have suppressed for so long, wanting to forget, yet never really trusting the enemy which is my mind to do my bidding.

When did the books I so love to read never get finished. Their pages become corridors littered with verbs and adjectives I do not understand, must I rewrite the ending in my imagination where I do not need words to express myself.

If I take a nap try to understand I am merely recharging my batteries in preparation for the next round of shadows, playing in the recesses of my memory.

The past has now become my future, I almost enjoy re-visiting my childhood – almost. I will not give in to this cruelty they call dementia. I only forgot two things yesterday, where I lived and who you were.

I do not want to scare you, I love you far too much for that. I intend to hold on with all my might to everything I hold dear, only please remember when you look at me that I’m still here.  

Great progress has been made in finding a cure for dementia, however to date it is still in the testing phases. Understanding the many facets of this disease, not only from a medical point of view, will  take away the fear enabling us to find those hidden meanings through love, empathy and patience, giving us hope for a brighter tomorrow.

“The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears.” – John Vance Cheney

Why do we feel so much better when we have a good cry? I see it as a safety valve releasing those pent-up emotions such as frustration, illness, death, or hearing and reading about a sad event. Each one of us will cry in a different way for a number of reasons and it is so important that we do.

Tears are a natural response to suffering and also accompany feelings of compassion. Embracing these emotions through compassion allows us to feel empathy, and when we step into the shoes of someone who is suffering, our empathy may release those tears and this is what makes us human. In the world of psychology, tears are seen as painkillers. I like to think of them as painkillers for the troubled soul. 

Tears very often denote a breakthrough where a client has been able to see a pathway through the darkness, and it is moments like these where tears replace words. Crying is not always attributed to sadness and therapists often find themselves crying tears of happiness with their client when a particular milestone has been reached - this serves to strengthen the bond between therapist and client.

The benefit of crying when we experience severe emotional turmoil is brought about by the production in our brains of powerful painkilling chemicals, and our tears are one of the ways these chemicals are distributed, another reason why we often feel better after a good cry.

Crying leads to a sense of calmness, the storm for now is over, and even though it may not solve your problems, it will certainly alleviate the stress which is not only damaging to your health but will make any situation seem much worse than it is.

To me crying holds hands with laughter, is a friend of scowling, enjoys a cup of tea with smiling and is part of a team which makes up our very human expressions.