We have all been there – those moments of doubt, fear, anxiety and sadness, attributed to a relationship which we know deep down is just not working, and yet we cannot let go. There are many reasons why we cling to a relationship, especially one of many years. I have listed below some of those reasons and why nothing is as simple as it might seem. These refer to those relationships which are not abusive:

Emotional attachment 

By remaining emotionally attached to the other person, it makes it very difficult for you to heal and move on. Initially, and especially if you still have strong feelings for the other person, this can be very hard. Ask yourself the following questions and be honest:

Will the children be happier?
What do I miss most about this relationship?
Do I fear being on my own?
Will I cease to have a social life?
Am I concerned about what other people will think?
Do I like who I am when I am with this person?

It might help to use a 0 – 10 scale on a daily basis, and rate your emotional attachment accordingly. Keep going until the scale sits at 0 – then you can begin to heal and move on.  

Fear

Try to take out the fear factor and then look at how this might influence your decision.

Am I afraid of being alone?
Have I invested too much in this relationship to simply walk away?

Love

There is a difference between loving someone and being in love with that person. The fact that you have to ask this question shows that you are having doubts.

Do you look forward to this person coming home in the evening, or do you look forward to this person leaving in the morning?
Do I still love this person? 

Needs

If you feel you are always compromising or going out of your way to facilitate your partner, who does not reciprocate, then question if your needs are being met or if this is a one-sided relationship.

To many, the ending of a relationship signifies some kind of failure. However, relationships are constantly changing and growing, and within these changes we may find we have simply grown apart. If, after discussion, counselling, or relationship therapy you still find that nothing has changed, then the decision to end the relationship needs to be made. To end a relationship in the proper manner shows respect for what you once meant to each other and allows you both to walk away with dignity and integrity.                               

“To avoid criticism say nothing, do nothing, be nothing.” - Aristotle

Criticism can be constructive, which is seen as good criticism, or it can be destructive, depending on how and why it is given and perceived.

Constructive criticism, given in an empathetic manner, can open your eyes and mind to ways you might improve, which can only be beneficial. Next time you have to give or be on the receiving end of constructive criticism, particularly in the workplace, bear in mind the following:

Environment

With regard to the workplace, finding a private place to assess an employee’s job performance is extremely important. By creating a safe environment for the employee, it will make it easier for both parties to be open and honest. This shows mutual respect which in turn will make for a happier and more productive workforce. Throughout the assessment, if critical points are raised, do so in a manner which does not give rise to tension. Sharing your own experiences regarding assessments may ease a potentially tense situation and will build rapport and respect.

Goals

Constructive criticism regarding how an employee is performing a set task may be made easier by explaining how your suggestions will improve the outcome, which in turn will improve productivity and allow objectives to be reached. Explanations made in this manner do not feel like criticism and will ensure the employee is more open to such suggestions in the future.

Self-examination

It is all too easy to go on the attack if you are not happy with an employee’s performance. Verbally attacking will never have a positive outcome and will only cause resentment, resulting in unsolved issues. It is always advisable to ask questions which will enable the employee to come to their own conclusions regarding their weaknesses. This self-examination will then allow you to make suggestions based on the employee’s own assessment which will create a win/win situation. Safety issues however, should always be dealt with firmly and fairly, with many work places having their own health and safety staff.

Negative criticism is usually given out by those people who may have been constantly criticised as children. As we are products of our environment, this behaviour tends to continue into adult life with detrimental consequences. When criticism becomes a pointless summing up of a person’s failings, the after effects for that person can be physically and mentally painful. Even if someone is aware of why the other person is criticising them, it is how the person processes this criticism that makes the difference. You cannot control what someone says, however, you can control how you perceive and respond to negative input.

If you always take criticism as a personal attack, you will never break the cycle of believing them, and not having belief in yourself. Their attack usually has nothing to do with you, and is more about them and their lack of self-esteem. Try to be aware of your own reactions in given situations with certain people, and you will form the ability to recognise them for what they are, and be able to deal with them in a positive manner.

Stay calm and positive, always try to keep your emotions in check. Look for positives among the negatives. Sometimes we are so enflamed at being criticised, we tend to take it the wrong way, missing an opportunity to improve. If the criticism is made in spite with the sole intention of hurting, try to ignore it. Be the better person, simply because you are.

Negative criticism, if dealt with in the right manner, enables those on the receiving end to grow, mature and walk through life with their head held high, secure in the belief that with the right mind-set they can overcome any form of criticism that comes their way, be it negative or positive, which will create many opportunities to lead by example.      

You left me empty, frightened and alone

I had no place to run to, no safety I could call home

The joy that was a part of me lies crying on the floor

I step inside my sadness, my little black door

I felt my life was on a stage with blackness all around

I tried to fly on broken wings yet I could not leave the ground

I screamed a scream that no-one heard

Please open this prison and free this bird

Tears all dried up there is nothing left

A heart turned to stone empty and bereft

I run through a grassy field trying to break free

Where can I find you, where is me

Yet here I am I did survive

I escaped the torture the insidious lies

Little by little I will become whole

I will be the Master of my fragmented soul

“We gain strength and courage and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face – we must do that which we think we cannot.” – Eleanor Roosevelt

In order to overcome the many failures I have had to deal with, I decided to view them as learning curves, with the use of the mantra “there is no failure, only feedback”, and I am now convinced that with each failure comes wisdom and knowledge, coupled with the belief that what you learn from failure is more beneficial than a success because it teaches you something new, which another win could never teach you.

For many, however, fear of failure is a very real fear, on a par with fear of criticism or fear of rejection. This results in them never being able to achieve their true potential because they are afraid to try, in case they fail.  In order to overcome this particular fear let’s examine it, which will make it easier to navigate the destructive consequences it brings with it. This journey will not be easy, however, it will enable you with perseverance to open that closed door in your mind, taking you a step closer to freedom.

Ascertain when your fear of failure was formed

Perhaps you had overly protective parents who never let you try anything new. In your mind they did this because they wanted what was best for you, however, if you now look at the event as an outsider, you will see that it had nothing to do with you, and everything to do with them. This created a negative belief, which can have a big influence on how you live your life.

Break complex matters down

Try doing something complex that you are passionate about, and would not normally try because it is just too difficult and you think you would fail. By breaking down this complex problem into manageable pieces you will take the first steps towards succeeding. If one of these pieces fails then it is easier to see why, learn from the experience and move on to the next piece. Moving forward in this way you will see failing as a positive experience, not a negative one.

Accept failure as a way to grow

Failure is always inevitable regardless of whom you are, and if you sit on the fence looking for the easy option you may find there just isn’t one. Embrace your fear, jump off that fence and know that with each failure comes knowledge, strength and ultimately success.

Mind set

Let “fear of failure” remain what it is; a thought in your head, and when it bubbles to the surface, try to remember that it has no place in reality and use it as a stepping stone on the pathway of your life, always changing and never a permanent fixture. Free your mind by meditating. By doing so, you will remove those fear founded thoughts which are holding  you back, alleviating negative feelings associated with those thoughts, resulting in the belief that those fears can be overcome.

Perspective

Change your perspective and learn to grow. Take every failure as a blessing and even though this can be difficult, it will teach you to constantly improve and ultimately look at the negative periods as times of learning.

We are all afraid of something, however, it is not fear itself that will hold you back, but the decision you make because of that fear. Imagine what your life would be like if all your fears controlled it – take charge, and when you look back on your life do not let “fear of failure” be something you have always regretted – the choice is yours.

“The intuitive mind is a sacred gift, and the rational mind its faithful servant. 

We have created a society that honours the servant and has forgotten the gift.” – Albert Einstein

My father was diagnosed with dementia in his early seventies, and sadly passed away in 2012 with dementia related illnesses. The hardest part of this illness is losing the ability to remember and communicate. There are many articles written on how to communicate with someone who has dementia, however, I have often found myself wondering if those we know and love with dementia could communicate, what would they say.

In remembering my father, and for all those people who cope with this cruel disease in all its forms on a daily basis, I have penned this poem which I hope will bring comfort and understanding.

Hidden Meanings

I cannot remember yesterday, it’s a vast space of emptiness where words used to exist.

Clutching at fragments of sentences lying buried under a jumble of meanings which has now become my mind, I’m lost.

Was that a look of pity I saw on your face for just a fraction of a second, followed by a sigh so soft it almost escaped my notice, but not quite.

How the sorrows of other times come running in to haunt me, how vivid those memories which I have suppressed for so long, wanting to forget, yet never really trusting the enemy which is my mind to do my bidding.

When did the books I so love to read never get finished. Their pages become corridors littered with verbs and adjectives I do not understand, must I rewrite the ending in my imagination where I do not need words to express myself.

If I take a nap try to understand I am merely recharging my batteries in preparation for the next round of shadows, playing in the recesses of my memory.

The past has now become my future, I almost enjoy re-visiting my childhood – almost. I will not give in to this cruelty they call dementia. I only forgot two things yesterday, where I lived and who you were.

I do not want to scare you, I love you far too much for that. I intend to hold on with all my might to everything I hold dear, only please remember when you look at me that I’m still here.  

Great progress has been made in finding a cure for dementia, however to date it is still in the testing phases. Understanding the many facets of this disease, not only from a medical point of view, will  take away the fear enabling us to find those hidden meanings through love, empathy and patience, giving us hope for a brighter tomorrow.

“The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears.” – John Vance Cheney

Why do we feel so much better when we have a good cry? I see it as a safety valve releasing those pent-up emotions such as frustration, illness, death, or hearing and reading about a sad event. Each one of us will cry in a different way for a number of reasons and it is so important that we do.

Tears are a natural response to suffering and also accompany feelings of compassion. Embracing these emotions through compassion allows us to feel empathy, and when we step into the shoes of someone who is suffering, our empathy may release those tears and this is what makes us human. In the world of psychology, tears are seen as painkillers. I like to think of them as painkillers for the troubled soul. 

Tears very often denote a breakthrough where a client has been able to see a pathway through the darkness, and it is moments like these where tears replace words. Crying is not always attributed to sadness and therapists often find themselves crying tears of happiness with their client when a particular milestone has been reached - this serves to strengthen the bond between therapist and client.

The benefit of crying when we experience severe emotional turmoil is brought about by the production in our brains of powerful painkilling chemicals, and our tears are one of the ways these chemicals are distributed, another reason why we often feel better after a good cry.

Crying leads to a sense of calmness, the storm for now is over, and even though it may not solve your problems, it will certainly alleviate the stress which is not only damaging to your health but will make any situation seem much worse than it is.

To me crying holds hands with laughter, is a friend of scowling, enjoys a cup of tea with smiling and is part of a team which makes up our very human expressions.     

A morning sky tinged with blue black clouds and a promise of rain

My footsteps quicken as I reach the park and there you were

Like burnished copper on a carpet of green, you cover the ground

Waiting patiently to be lifted and swirled

As the naked branches of your trees reach out to keep their falling leaves

Bright golden drifts invite me to play

And as I scatter you afar, you rustle, creating your own music

Swirls of colour kissing droplets of rain

A gentle breeze softly carries you in natures dance

And all my cares fade away like Autumn leaves      

“Love is putting a piece of soul into someone else’s care, 

and being responsible for an equal share of theirs.” – P S Berg

The phrase “soul mate” originated in Greek mythology and came about because Zeus, fearing human interference regarding the authority of the Gods, decided to split the human soul into two parts, in the belief that we would be better occupied looking for our other half, and many people have spent a lifetime doing just this.

Fact or fiction, we all have our own perception of what a soul mate should be, however for some, the romantic fantasy created in the mind makes it impossible for any mere mortal to live up to the extremely high expectations they may have. As a result, all too often that special person is turned away without the realisation that they are made special because of their faults, warts and all.

We all have our own personal preference and an image in our mind of what that special someone should be and look like. We do tend to be attracted to those people who mirror ourselves, and it is believed that we were this person in another life, however, what our soul needs is not necessarily what our head wants, and the power of attraction is very strong. If we could look a little further than the front cover, try considering the following:

I wrote this poem as a tribute to the wonderful years I had in Italy.

A soft warm breeze played around my ankles

As my bare feet felt the heat of summer on the well-worn grassy path

The scent of hazy days hung in the air – enticing

I smiled as I came upon you

In the midst of a sea of yellow

Glorious sunflowers whose petals reach out craving attention

I rushed to join you; to dance amongst you

My carefree limbs twirling as the trace of a breeze kissed my face

I stand and marvel, drinking in your scent, savouring every moment

Experiencing this feeling of endless joy and pleasure

Where the beauty of life is omnipresent in this field of entrancing sunflowers

“Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubt.” – Abraham Lincoln

How many times have we said the wrong thing only to later regret it. For some, this is a rare occurrence, however for others it regularly happens and the old ‘foot in mouth disease’ can have far-reaching consequences. When we communicate fully, both verbally and non-verbally, being aware of how we communicate can open our eyes to a world where our opinions are valued and not dreaded. I have set out a few points which I see as ‘food for thought’.

If you speak in anger, you are not thinking with the logical side of your brain. Therefore, what you say will be meaningless and very often hurtful. Try counting to ten and taking a step back before you speak in anger.

Observing yourself in a given situation is always a good idea. If you are constantly saying the wrong thing, it is in response to perhaps being ‘put on the spot’. If this is the case try to be aware of these types of situations and change your approach to one of listening and remaining calm before responding. 

Take heed and pay attention to what is being said. Trip ups of the tongue occur when what is being said is not fully comprehended. Let your mind process the information around you, and then speak from a place of understanding.

Observe other people when they communicate. People communicate in many different ways and being able to read body language will give you a pretty good indication of how someone is going to react to what you say.

Very often it is not what you say but how you say it that does the damage. Try to imagine your spoken words as having a goal of their own, and that is to convey your message in a positive way. People have many facets, and once the spoken word has taken flight and crashed, it is difficult to repair the damage.

Do not speak unnecessarily, or because you feel obliged to. If you are not familiar with the dialog, then listen, after all meaningful conversation is much more than just noise.

Always be aware of how you think others might react to what you are about to say. If you are going to contribute to a conversation, then try to create an atmosphere which elicits people’s understanding of this.

The tone of a person’s voice speaks volumes. If the right tone does not match the body language or compliments your content, then the right message will not be conveyed.

Even if your words were not intended to hurt, try to remember that a person’s perception is their reality. And in these circumstances it is always better to apologise.

The art of communicating can, for some, be difficult to perfect, however with patience, thoughtfulness and insight it can become a vital part of your life, making what you say valued, respected and sought after.

Eyes scanning the crowd

Expectant, yet wary

Clutching the fading blooms

Your smile completes the facade

Just one pitiful sale

The difference between life and death

Memories of the border crossing

The pain of your mothers’ goodbye

You pull her memory around you

Like an old familiar blanket

As you walk in quiet trepidation

Feeling emptiness in tow

You show the courage born of loss

A strength that defies the pain

Lifting your head to gaze at the sky

You pray for a little soul needing to go home

Another eight year old angel

With broken wings

Let everyone who has passed this way

Be accountable for each day

Save our rainforests so we all can breathe

Rein in pollution before you leave

Do not let man’s destruction create a world of stone

Once again let our earth be a place we can call home

“The mind is a powerful thing – it can take you through walls.” – Denis Avery

Each and every day we are all bombarded with a series of events or situations which calls for a reaction. How we react can determine how successful we are in life, and what type of mindset we have.

As human beings we are all unique, therefore, it is not always easy to change certain beliefs, opinions or feelings formulated over many years. We often find ourselves in situations where we question ourselves as to why we act and react in certain ways. We know, if we are truly honest with ourselves, that we have certain traits which we do not like, and as a result we keep making the same mistakes over and over again. However, what we can do is confront them, learn how to deal with them and create a new mindset. I have listed below a few guidelines for your perusal.

Listen

The importance of listening is so valuable, and never more so when you are listening to your inner voice, which really knows what you feel and want. Fully understand your inner voice, and the mindset you create will enable you to see situations through different eyes. Listen to the advice of others. Sound advice from someone who has been there can never be underestimated, and can help change a mindset showing you the way out of the woods.

For many, changing your state of mind can take a lifetime. The important thing to remember is never give up. Taking small, sure steps will ensure a successful outcome with unlimited benefits. So go with it, be open to it, and most of all believe you can do it and you will be able to walk through walls.

“Victims of bullying spare themselves distress by detachment; 

denying their ability to experience happiness.” 

– James Horace

In this world of high technology, with all our needs being met at the touch of a button, it is easy to bask in the glory of many wonderful achievements - and quite rightly so - however, when it comes to Cyber Bullying, our world of technology has made it possible to give this despicable pastime an arena all of its own.

Cyber Bullying takes place online and has many forums, such as: blogs, e-mails, chat lines and social networking sites, to name a few. Cyber Bullying comes in many guises, feeding on a cocktail of hurt, stress, isolation, humiliation, fear and sadly in some cases can cause death. 

Usually it takes the form of:

Abusive messages on-line

Spreading rumours about the victim

Prank texts/messages

Humiliating or embarrassing posts of blogs

Sexual videos/pictures being sent to others

This type of bullying is anonymous and as a result there is less accountability by the bully, resulting in the bullying being more intensive, reaching high levels of malicious behaviour with far reaching effects. It is usually 24/7, giving it a wider audience in its relentless pursuit of the victim.

Research has shown that Cyber Bullies do not fit the mould of the traditional bully, who is usually domineering, aggressive and disliked. Very often the Cyber Bully can be a classmate or friend, who may bully for reasons such as: jealousy, peer acceptance, revenge and fun.

The world of the Cyber Bully has a non-stop agenda, with high frequency levels of abuse over a short period of time (usually one month or less), however the results of such intensive bullying can last a lifetime, robbing the victim of ever reaching their full potential as it is very difficult, without therapy, to move on from how this abuse makes you feel.

In order to identify this behaviour, firstly know what to look for:

A barrage of hateful e-mails

Embarrassing images of the victim

Threatening verbal messages

The creation of an almost identical screen name in order to create embarrassing situations for the victim

Once the behaviour has been identified, take the following action:

Ask for help from a parent, teacher or someone you can trust

Do not respond to the bully's messages

Do not threaten the bully

Save the evidence and then block the bully

Safe-proof all of your personal accounts

If you can prove who it is by the evidence then report the bully

Cyber bullying is considered a crime if the following has taken place: hate related comments, intimidation or threats of violence. Report any of this to the police.

I believe that what we do and say in life makes a difference - it’s up to us to decide what kind of difference we want to make. This poem sums up the feelings of those people who have been bullied – it speaks volumes.

"A cool identity isn’t a need,

Let those you bully be freed.

Your identity should be your own,

A better person you will be known."

- Jon Evans

As a counsellor I have seen firsthand the many facets to mental health. I often describe it as “walking a path in your mind, trying to negotiate the minefield it has become”.

In order to help negotiate this minefield, I will be drawing on my own experience of a mental illness, and also using my skills as a counsellor in this field.  My weekly blog will contain information on Mental Health, Wellbeing and I will also include a “Poetry Corner” where you can view my own poems and feel free to submit any poems of your choice. At the end of each blog I will offer up my challenge to the world of bloggers, and look forward to your replies. 

To get the ball rolling, today I am going to shine the spotlight on what I see as a very real obstacle to mental health issues being taken seriously – stigma.

This quote which I have written below clearly outlines the helplessness of those people who are not believed or not taken seriously regarding their mental health problems. As stark as it is, I wanted to draw attention to what I perceive is a real stumbling block on a person beginning their road to recovery.

Ask yourself why.

There are factors which cause mental health stigma – let’s explore them.

Within history itself we can find some answers.

The fact that throughout history people with mental illness have been treated differently. I personally believe that this could be because of the belief that “If you cannot see it, it does not exist." Therefore, ignorance has resulted in the exclusion and even brutalisation of mentally ill people, through the ages. Add to this ignorance the element of fear in the belief that all mentally ill people are dangerous and stigma is born.

Deeply entrenched views.

Today we live in a much more enlightened world – or do we? It is very frustrating to note that within the health service today these negative views regarding patients presenting with mental illness still exist. “How can you help me if you do not believe me echoes time and time again.

Media presentation. 

We are all influenced by what we see and hear on the media platform today. Even though there are various Ads and program drawing attention to the plight of the mentally ill – is it enough? Providing information, regardless of the platform used is always beneficial, however, positive interaction between those who have, and those who have not a mental illness needs to become the norm in society. The best advertisement to end the stigma attached to Mental Health is to end it. Let us all be proactive in getting the word out their. Yes stigma does exist , however, it can and will become a thing of the past.